


Such a Silly Goose

by Celyan



Series: Works for 007 Fest 2020 [16]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: At least I tried, Attempt at Humor, Bond is possibly not the sanest of individuals, Gen, Q has no idea why he puts up with him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:53:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25281169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celyan/pseuds/Celyan
Summary: Bond returns from a mission, and he’s not alone.
Relationships: James Bond & Q
Series: Works for 007 Fest 2020 [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1813132
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	Such a Silly Goose

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Fluff prompt table’s prompt ‘goose’. I have no idea where this came from, really, but I did do a bit of actual research for it, so at least there’s that? 😂
> 
> Thanks to SandyWormbook for the beta and for providing me with the link at the end.

“You’re _such_ a silly little goose, aren’t you?” 

Q stops in his tracks at the voice that is unmistakably Bond’s, and weighs his options. 

Option #1: He’ll just open the door, it can’t be that bad. 

_Yes, and pigs fly._

Option #2: He’ll pretend that he was never going to step into his office in the first place and noiselessly backs away; spending a few hours elsewhere would surely take care of this problem for him. 

_As if, Bond is too smart to be fooled like that._

Option #3: He’ll tell R to go into his office in his stead. She’s better equipped to handle Bond and his brand of nonsense than Q ever was, everyone knows that. 

_She’ll do it, but she’ll never let me hear the end of it. And she’ll tell the minions all about it, too._

Q sighs deeply and tries his best to strengthen his resolve; there’s no way around it, he has to deal with whatever madness awaits him behind his office door all by himself. 

He really should have declined the offer of becoming the Quartermaster of MI6, the pay is _not_ worth losing his sanity due to the bloody menaces they call double-oh agents. 

Q carefully opens the door to his office, not even trying to speculate as to the horrors that might await him there, and steps in. At first he sees nothing out of the ordinary, simply Bond crouching there near his desk, but then he takes a few steps inside and-

“Bond! Is that a bloody _bird_ in my office?!” 

Bond stands up and smiles proudly. “Why yes, Q, it is. Come meet Constance, she’s a delight.” 

Q stares, flabbergasted. “Why have you brought a bird into Six?” 

“I saved her from Pincher. He had two geese in his premises, though unfortunately a stray bullet from his bodyguard hit the other one. What was I to do, leave her to die?” 

Q stares some more. “Bond,” he says carefully, “that’s no goose. That’s a swan.” 

Granted, it’s a smaller sized bird than the swans he’s seen before, and its head does remind him vaguely of a goose, but its body looks like that of a female swan. 

“A coscoroba swan, to be exact,” Bond acknowledges. 

“That is a bloody _swan_. In my _office._ _Explain yourself_.” 

Bond, bizarrely, leans down and gently picks the swan up into his arms. The swan, just as bizarrely, looks like she doesn’t mind one bit and instead leans into him, enjoying being petted and cuddled by Bond. 

“You know how Q Branch doesn’t yet have a mascot? Well, now you do.” 

“But swans are vicious! I’ve seen them attack someone who accidentally got too close to their nest and that was not a pretty sight!” 

“Constance is an angel in bird form, she’d never hurt anyone,” Bond tells him and has the gall to sound disapproving, as if Q’d just told him to personally murder his precious swan. 

“ _Constance_ is a swan. Swans are birds. Birds fly. We’re below ground level here, with no clear access to open air. Need I go on?” Q says, surprisingly patient considering the fact that Bond is standing there before him with a swan in his arms, and that he’s literally _cooing_ at it while Q’s talking. 

He not so secretly wonders if this is it, if Bond’s gone mental due to the stress of transporting a living swan over to London from bloody Falkland Islands, despite how well the swan in question is presently tolerating Bond’s nearness. 

“Of course she wouldn’t actually live down here,” Bond says. “She’d be living with you, and you could bring her here with you on occasion so that everyone could spend some time with her. And I’d visit her when I’m in London, obviously.” 

He adds the last sentence perfectly matter-of-factly, like it’s all well and natural and _Q’s_ the silly one for asking such silly questions, and for a moment Q is speechless. 

“James bloody Bond! I will _not_ be the one to take care of _your_ bloody swan! I’m the Queen’s Quartermaster, not her Swan Keeper!” 

But then he sees the way the swan looks at Bond, not to mention the way Bond looks at her, and he feels his resolve begin to waver. 

He’s not seriously considering taking care of a swan Bond has brought from his mission, is he? How would his cats react to a bird in their territory? 

No, he won’t do it. Bond will have to find a better way to deal with his swan-shaped problem. 

_Or an infatuation, more like_ , his traitorous inner voice whispers. 

And the funny thing is, it sure looks like his inner voice isn’t exactly, well, _wrong_. Bond _does_ look pretty infatuated, and the swan _does_ seem to tolerate him remarkably well. 

And then...

“Q? Just give her a chance and let her surprise you,” Bond asks and looks at him with a pair of the brightest and bluest puppy dog eyes Q has ever seen. 

_...damn it._

“But what about Callie and Cassie?” Q asks, perfectly reasonably. 

“Constance doesn’t need to come inside. She can have an enclosure in the yard, you’ve got more than enough space for it. Besides, she can’t really fly, Pincher had done something to her wings to make sure of it.” 

“But surely she needs others of her kind to be able to live a fulfilling life,” Q points out. 

Bond shrugs. “Then let’s get you some geese to keep her company.” 

“You really have everything all thought out, haven’t you?” 

Bond grins. “Had a long flight to puzzle it over.” 

“I’m sure. But really, Bond, bringing back a swan? How did you manage it?” Q asks, honestly curious.

“I have my ways,” Bond replies mysteriously.

...and from the way he looks at the swan, with the swan looking back at him _with an exact same expression_ , well, Q thinks it safer for his peace of mind to simply refrain from asking anything more. 

“You’ll do it then, yes?” 

Q means to say no. 

He really, really does. But what leaves his mouth instead is, “I suppose you can bring her over. Just until you can sort out a more permanent arrangement for her.”

Damn Bond’s pretty blue eyes and that bloody soft spot he’s always had for the man. 

“Thank you, Q, you won’t regret it.” 

Bond smiles at him, those blue eyes sparkling happily, and then kisses the swan gently on its head while telling it how beautiful it is. Q watches it all with a horrified sort of fascination and thinks that yes, yes he will. 

**Author's Note:**

> In the end, after managing to talk some sense into Bond, Q contacts the real  
> [Swan Marker](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marker_of_the_Swans) to see what he has to say about this very... unsual arrangement of theirs. 👀


End file.
